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This book gives people the tools to handle life's most difficult and important conversations.
- Sales Rank: #615557 in Books
- Published on: 2003-05-08
- Formats: Abridged, Audiobook
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 7.72" h x 1.18" w x 5.55" l, .48 pounds
- Binding: Audio CD
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Most helpful customer reviews
7 of 7 people found the following review helpful.
Enormously Helpful in Relationships (Team and Families)
By Joshua Reich
Conversations move life forward. They can also stop things from moving forward. Relationships end on conversations and begin. Teams are formed and broken apart. Goals are made, expectations laid out, visions happen, all around conversations.
Feelings get hurt in conversations, lies are told, deception, betrayal, all of these can happen in conversations.
Enter the book Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High. I heard Joseph Grenny, one of the authors speak on this topic recently at the leadership summit and got a lot out of his session.
All of us know the feeling of this kind of conversation and we know that this is where life changes.
Here are 10 things I got from the book that I have found helpful in my life and leadership:
1. When we face crucial conversations, we can do one of three things: We can avoid them, We can face them and handle them poorly, or We can face them and handle them well. At the heart of almost all chronic problems in our organizations, our teams, and our relationships lie crucial conversations—ones that we’re either not holding or not holding well. Christians and church staffs are notorious for avoiding crucial conversations. This is why churches often split, people leave hurt and visions never move forward. Instead of doing the hard work in a conversation, they are avoided. When in reality, because of what is at stake (salvation) and because of the calling of Jesus, we should do a better job of having crucial conversations.
2. Individuals who are the most influential—who can get things done and at the same time build on relationships—are those who master their crucial conversations. We all know this to be true. If you aren't very good at dialogue, you sit back in wonder at those who are. They are able to gain more influence, get more done and people want to be on their team and a part of what they are doing. This is why raising the value of this skill and getting better at it matters so much. Things move forward or stop around conversations.
3. The mistake most of us make in our crucial conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend. Grenny said this at the summit and it grabbed my attention. This is one of, if not the main reason, most conversations stop and things do not move forward. Fear. Fear of a relationship ending, something stopping, getting fired or hurting someone. Yet, if we don't tell the truth, we often can't be a friend.
4. People rarely become defensive simply because of what you’re saying. They only become defensive when they no longer feel safe. The problem is not the content of your message, but the condition of the conversation. If you are a boss and want honest feedback and conversation, people can't fear for their jobs or that you will yell at them. Recently, there has been a lot of writing online about pastors abusing people, creating a culture of fear, yelling at staff members, elders and volunteers and it blows my mind. If you are known for that as a pastor, you should be embarrassed.
5. Be careful not to apologize for your views. This can be easy to do and it often happens as a way to soften your opinion or the blow in a conversation, but you shouldn't apologize for what you think. It is what you think. It might be hard or unpopular to say, but don't shy away from it. You may be wise to change how you phrase it, but always be willing to share what you think in a conversation.
6. One of the ironies of dialogue is that, when talking with those holding opposing opinions, the more convinced and forceful you act, the more resistant others become. I done this very easily in the past. Yet, this practice keeps people from buying in and helping to make something happen. When we do this, we don't understand why people aren't on board. The reason is the harder we push our way, the harder they push their way.
7. Speaking in absolute and overstated terms does not increase your influence, it decreases it. The converse is also true—the more tentatively you speak, the more open people become to your opinions. The more harshly we speak or the more we give the impression that there is only one way, the less likely it becomes that people will speak up. Now, on issues like vision, it must be clear and have agreement. But, in conversations, if we give the impression that something has been decided or that we aren't open to suggestions, we will kill discussion.
8. When we feel the need to push our ideas on others, it’s generally because we believe we’re right and everyone else is wrong. This is another way the previous one. If you find yourself pushing your ideas, you aren't having a good dialogue and instead are simply giving out orders. That may be your leadership style, but it won't accomplish a healthy team environment and in the end, your church or business will never reach its full potential.
9. The more you care about an issue, the less likely you are to be on your best behavior. As a leader or a person in a relationship, you must learn this well. This was an eye opening insight for me. I get very passionate about things, as most people do, and when I do, I can shut down dialogue and end up hurting people. We do this, often unintentionally because we care about something, because we believe we are right and have the only way forward.
10. The fuzzier the expectations, the higher the likelihood of disappointment. When a crucial conversation ends, there must be clear expectations and guidance moving forward. It cannot be fuzzy or gray. Otherwise, a conversation has not ended, it is simply on pause.
All in all, this was an incredibly helpful book. Some of it covered things I already knew but showed some helpful insights. I've already seen a change in some of my conversations with leaders at my church and in my family through this book. Definitely one I'd recommend.
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful.
Which is fine, really
By N. H.
This is an abridged version of the book. I originally purchased this so I could participate in a work book club but learned only after receiving it that it wasn't the full volume. Which is fine, really, most of the main points are made. I didn't read the description carefully on this page which is my fault, but this CD works for when you need to drive and get through the book. Google 'crucial conversations notes' and you'll find a helpful PDF on the front page that serves as a good review of the material when you're trying to pair your listening of this CD with a live discussion. The quality of the CD is good, the actress speaking sounds like she has been trained in an HR department for many years on how to talk to angry people about difficult subjects, and there are only four CDs so the book goes by pretty quickly.
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
Not only did I understand my weaknesses better for engaging on the taboo topic of politics
By Parapluie
I purchased CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS with the goal of mproving my conversational skills to carry on an ongoing exchange on political issues of crutial consequences to the future of our country with one friend of opposite political persuasion.. My goal was not to change her mind but to create respectful understanding of where we come from in our views. I wished to bridge the gap of at least one other citizen of opposite political views so we find some links in common and do not loath each other. Not only did I understand my weaknesses better for engaging on the taboo topic of politics, I leaned my weaknesses in listening for the cues of when I loose my political listener, I am improving relations with friends and family.
There was a wealth of useable information, techniques, examples, helpful summaries and memory ques, all I could absorb for now. I would also buy a book of examples of how we might successfully be engaged in bridging the political divide in our country. Time will tell if we will continue our conversation. She was not interested in continuing after several months of exchanges, at least at this time. She had to feel I would be converted to her persuasion. She did not share my belief that conversation between opposites is crucial to the future of the United States.
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